though a lot of it is played off for jokes, being autistic is a very very harrowing experience and shedding light on it to allistic people only seems to push people away
not a lot of people know how bad it can get if you grow up autistic – especially if you’re trans on top of it.

it’s always been really weird because i grew up learning how to mask primarily in “masculine” spaces and less so in ambiguous and feminine spaces? and it caused this ripple where whenever i’m at home, or my computer or anywhere away from masculine spaces i can actually be kinder and more myself – while my mask is put on whenever i’m near men no matter how hard i try

as ‘funny’ as “yippee i’m an autistic girl >.< i like trains and love to go non verbal” jokes are, ive found people think i’m exaggerating or joking when i tell them how autism affects me as a disability. in fact nowadays ive found that people try to ‘fake’ autism to be in on the cool kids. which is stupid as hell

and i know most of the people i know are ignorant and couldn’t give a rats ass at the end of the day - it’s genuinely harrowing how much the lack of empathy towards my disability has gotten in the last few years to the point that i have to second guess every word or information i give out because it might just be brushed off as me being ‘quirky’

as much as i am proud that i’m able to function semi-normally with autism , that doesn’t give anyone the right to find themselves in any position to be desensitised to autism and its symptoms. guys if you’re gonna appropriate a mental illness atleast give people who have it some benefit of the doubt when they talk about it.
this isn’t to demean or belittle anyone who talks about autism openly and makes jokes about it – that’s absolutely fine but just understand you’re talking about a mental illness, not a label you choose to fit into.
it affects my relationships so badly i mean it. i swear if i was not autistic i could actually have normal relationships with people — instead i’m stuck being isolated and its amplified because i’m trans -

and that’s something ive wanted to talk about a lot — being trans and autistic.

i talked about how masking has made me act ‘masculine’ or unnatural even if that’s not who i am. and that’s true to the most certain extent . unfortunately this also means i’m isolated from feminine spaces because my anxiety makes me feel unwelcome and undeserving – despite these spaces feeling more at home for me.

i truly genuinely feel so thankful for the queer people i meet in my daily life for making such a great space for me because if i didnt have this i probably don’t know how id be able to talk comfortably about this topic or even articulate my feelings

and this blog is kinda a way to say things to people which might get blocked by me masking. if you know me irl 80% of the time it’s not me talking. trust me. i don’t want to say anything weird . i notice when i do that. it’s not a conscious thought that came out of my mouth — it’s whatever my mask can spew out within the second because if i stand there processing then i’ll look autistic. and abnormal.

and i should probably explain masking while i’m at it — when someone autistic grows up, if they’re raised without being consciously told they’re autistic – they start to piece together a new personality - one cobbled together with the mannerism of their peers and family as well as their speech patterns and thought patterns. and unfortunately going to a hyper religious school where guys and girls were seperated did major damage to my mask - as i was around boys who wanted to be macho and act all masc.
thankfully i didn’t make a lot of friends . which meant i was secluded - i had a few cousins go to the same school so i would talk to them, and maybe a few more people, which meant while my mask WAS damaged it was never too severe to give something like comphet or homophobia or transphobia. i was also relatively an androgynous and feminine kid - which meant that before i realized i was trans, my autistic mind wanted to fit in more, so id buzzcut regularly and went on self harm streaks by developing eating disorders which kept me looking more masc

and guys i’m a lot better now ^^ i don’t mean to get all negative but my autism, while although a part of me, is something that affects me deeply and i really have been irked by the idea i’m happy with people reducing it to the butt of a joke so i wanted to write about it — even if i know those people won’t look at this ^^

there’s a lot more to be said but my reasoning for not being myself is that i’m not. half the time it’s not me in control and it’s so fucking scary listening to me say things i would never mean or act in ways to people i care about i would never think to act like.

i felt like i HAD to explain myself so here you go :)